Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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