The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
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Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
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I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
This can only be settled by a dance off.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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