Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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