i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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