highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
