Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Randomize
