just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
