I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
Randomize
