You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
