i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
Randomize
