If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
I just gift wrapped bread.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
