Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
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