I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
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