uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
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