At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Randomize
