Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
