but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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