On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
It's official drugs can't kill me
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
