Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Boobs speak an international language.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
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