I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
