You smell like a Billy Joel song
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
He? As in you personified your dick?
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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