Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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