seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
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