I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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