i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
