What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Randomize
