we have pet lesbian snakes
Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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