I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
