i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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