I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
wakey wakey hands off snakey
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
only you would photoshop your dick
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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