My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
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He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
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Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours