I haven't been this sober since birth.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Randomize
