Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
