you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
Small penises have feelings too.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
