Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
