i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
