You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
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