Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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