soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
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