ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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