Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
