ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
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