a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
I'm at about main and main street
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
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