If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Randomize
