I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
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