you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
