Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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