I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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