I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
