The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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