so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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