just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
