John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
