I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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