I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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