Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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