So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
