Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
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She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Randomize