Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
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How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
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Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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